Gotti

I gave my friend that name, not because of any similarities in character traits but because he’s a total contradiction to the infamous gangster. Usually though, I call him any name that comes to mind.

The ice breaker in our relationship came very early. On our second meeting, we strolled into the convenient store that was at the basement of our office building. Since he had forgotten his wallet I got him something that he wanted. So, the next time we strolled in there together, he insisted on returning the favor. First he tried to convince me to buy some face cream, which he thought the girls were obsessed about. Turned out to be an anti aging, wrinkle-lift cream. As shook my head and looked on in amazement, he proceeded to completely kill my pride, all in the belief that this is what girls would like– Makeup? Toothpaste? Deodorant?
I remember walking out of the shop with two soaps and an ice cream and a lot of laughter. I told him that I had a feeling that we were gonna be best friends. And so it was. I don’t claim to understand the higher emotions of love, respect, trust and all that jazz, but this guy means the world to me.

He remains the only guy in history with whom I have never needed to pretend with. He has seen the hundred different people that live in me, and dealt with them, some better than the others, but always maintained his unconditional love.

I owe him a lot for that love, his company, and his completely goofy sense of humor. For instance, once when I asked him why he refuses to do night shifts, he replied that he couldn’t breathe properly at night. Or when his ears turned red while trying to purchase sanitry pads for me, and i pointed it out, he maintained that he wasn't embarrased, just -get this- dehydrated.All he needed was a glass of water to get his ears to turn it's normal colour again. Cho Chweet!!!

We have led parallel lives till now. Challenging years - our adolescence. During the time that we needed all the emotional and financial security we could get, but didn’t have. Both of us didn’t have an option of going wild. Control was the key word in our lives. He grew to cherish it, while I grew to detest it. And at the times when I could afford it, I’d let go. While for him, letting go would never be the sensible thing to do. That’s where the polarity in our natures come in. Two people, facing pretty much the same situations in life, and coming out of it as two completely different people.

Strange, but I love the similarities, and the polarities with equal intensity. The acceptance amazes me.

Like it happens to every equation between a man and a woman - both the people involved, at some time would want to push the boundaries. Sometimes at the same time, which works out best. Or in other instance one will have such feelings much stronger than the other.
I wanted to push the boundaries – go wild. Gotti wanted to treasure what we have for it’s sheer rarity and not risk it. That says a lot about our elemental nature. Getting back to the point, Gotti is happy with what is, while I lament for what could be, coz contentment is not my favorite word – joy is.

Yesterday when I called him up for some reason in the afternoon, he told me he was in Meerut. In the evening the breaking news was that a major fire had broken out in some makeshift shopping center in Meerut. I picked up the phone and called Gotti to find out if he was alright. He didn’t answer. I kept trying till late in the evening. Throughout this entire episode, I felt very detached as I watched the news, that was showing the gory scenes of charred bodies littered around that complex. When he finally called back, it was as if a damn had broken within me and I started yelling at him. Though his voice calmed me, I couldn’t help but think – What if? What if I had lost him? What if I had lost him before I could tell him how much I value him in my life, how much his presence means to me. What if I had lost him before i made him realise -as the song goes – How deep is my love?
But now that that phase is over, I am sure that the next time we’ll meet it will be back to fun and games, arguments and fights and so on. He'll never know.

Life is a constant
And each individual an interpretation
In it some people are inherently pure like gold
Some evolve from being a speck of dirt into a pearl
Some let the world change them
And a few change the world.
You have been all of that
The inherent and the evolved
The acceptance and the revolution.

One word for you is complete, and you are more than that
Coz not only are you complete in yourself
You make my world content as well

To all who have known you, and all whose lives you have touched
You are a gem, and that makes you precious
But know this, that to your me,
You mark the difference between Precious and Essential

Valentine Day Woes

As soon as we hit 1st of Feb, both my sister and me started getting calls from our friends about their exciting love lives, plans to marry if they are single, or their marital bliss if they are not. My sister took to the Ganges. Well, not literally. Just that she spent a weekend in Haridwar, and I understand. The pressure on her is greater coz she’s the elder one. I seriously abuse her feelings by hiding behind her skirts every time friends or ‘well-wishers’ come over and ask us horribly personal questions. My standard line, is ‘Elder Sis has to go first!!’ Poor Girl!

So she went to Haridwar while I visited a shrine of equal importance in my mind ‘ The International Book Fair’ – That’s as close to Paradise I’ll ever get I think! Should have seen my Dad, was hopping around like a four year old in a candy store, and I hopped along right beside him. Mom followed, muttering under her breath… ‘ Could have bought a bit of gold, that would help them in the future..what a waste of money..could have bought new curtains..and the whistle to my cooker’..[to Dad] ‘oh isn’t that your college friend’s son..who graduated from the best Law college in India..N run a comb through your hair..wear the coat and try not to look like a child we’ve picked up from the street’. Well, what can I say!

Then the V day finally arrived. I - completely digressing from my normal eyebrow-near-my-hairline, nose-in-the-air, disdainful, rock star attitude towards silly twits who give so much importance to this day - dressed in my Sunday best and went, get this, to office. It’s just a day past yesterday and I can’t figure out what in the capital made me decide to wear a rainbow colored saree to office. My only feeling towards that right now is “Somebody should have stopped me!!!”
Like, could I have made things more obvious had I walked around with my thumb and my index finger stuck to my forehead at a 90 degree angle? I think not!!

Women love to analyze. It’s a way of life for them. I won’t go against that and hence, will continue to ramble.
What did I hope to gain by making this day out to be something more than any other Tuesday? Did I really think some person would ride up to me on a horse and gift me flowers? Now there’s a thought…if someone had actually ridden up on a horse and presented me with beautiful flowers..what would I have done? Lecture him on how flowers look best in gardens when they are alive and how horses should be allowed to run free on green pastures.
Don’t snort! I’ve done that before. Five years ago a guy walked up to me, pointed to the fake flower bouquet at my desk and asked me “Why do you keep artificial flowers around when you have a real rose here”, I lectured him on the natural beauty of living flowers, how the gardener at our office doesn’t allow us to pluck them, and the consequences to our environment by such frivolous actions. I think I mentioned the holes in the ozone layer as well. All that, before I realized he was trying to compliment me by comparing me to a rose. Hhmmm..my defense – I had never been compared to a rose or any flower for that matter, before that cheesy compliment came my way.

Digressed again..but I’m every woman..so u’ll just have to bear with me.

Yesterday I just wanted to be my highly suppressed childish self that wanted to believe, against all that’s real that maybe someone would want to make this day a little special for me. With a phone call, a hand delivered gerbera, or with a personal presence.
Didn’t happen. Nothing did. That too was alright. But the next time when some young ones gush about such super romantic expressions..my eyebrow will go up at a slower pace, and my nose won’t go that high up in the air as it used to. Can't let go of the act completely ..coz hey, i have an image to maintain.
Somewhere though, there’ll be the knowledge that, that beast of silly optimism lies sleeping in me. I'm not as different, as i wanted to, needed to believe!Sigh!

Baby Blues & Pinks..and Rainbows..for that matter

Introducing the one born to take care of those moments when I can almost hear my biological clock ticking. My neighbour’s kid. Don’t u be judging me. Here’s what some famous people have to say in my defence:

"No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant." -Amy Leslie

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." - Franklin P. Jones

"A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." - Peter Ustinov

"People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them". - Leo J. Burke

"I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you." -Gallagher

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." -- Bill Cosby

JLT

Does love really exist,
or is it just a rosy veil to cover
the need for emotional and financial sustenance?

Is a sacrifice really that noble and altruistic,
or does it hint towards
A self destructive nature?

Has joy and happiness really been felt or
Is it simply in the anticipation of good surprises that
We find solace?

Is one ever actually with someone or
Is everyone forever alone?

I have felt that need for survival in
another’s love for me and
in my love for someone else.
Giving away bits of me has always been a relief.
I have experienced that sorrow always is and
Happiness is forever to be.
I have stood alone in many a madding crowd.

P.S: JLT was inspired by ...you know..one of those moments when profundity and a sense of uselessness collide....and there was no coffee in the house. Why did i post it on a day later..Just Like That

I can fall in love with anyone,
if left around that person long enough!!

Devil's Advocacy

Shallow innocence judges swift
A fear as real as fit
Proud as hell not to mention it
Her thoughts pleaded a final word


She’d wondered for long
In the worldly space
Your secret of retaining that childlike purity
And how you evaded her sinful touch
Mystery being her creation
She undid it when she wanted you revealed
Found you out and understood,
She hates you and loved
She did.

Your trick lay,In your resolute denial
To bite the Apple,That she offered
You rejected at every turn
What the ousted crowd of Eden
Believed giving life a chance
A chance was all she needed
To enter your life and never leave

Sometimes she was fooled
To believe you followed in her steps
But you always walked back half way through
Leaving her, standing there
Salivating with unrequited desire
And impotent anger.
For she could do nothing to you
That you didn’t invite
U knew that truth
U knew her defeat.

Do not take pride though
In outwitting her at every turn
As in her efforts of destruction
She was halfhearted too.
She saw and loved
The defiance that was you
The faith the trust
The God that was you

She denied the comfort of gloating
On how rules and restrictions
Fracture your spirit.
She lamented instead
At her lost chance
To rise up from that free, unrestricted space
She’d fallen into
Looking at you she desired
To experience the chains once more
To cry and be scolded
To be cared for by her God.
Aye she looked at you
Envied you and loved you
For in you was her forbidden pleasure
In you her greatest pain.

She craved to rise, yes
But the chances were greater
Of you being pulled down
Into her unlimited, unwanted world
Which by her promise you’d enjoy, lust for
But curse her too, for destroying
What was essentially you.
For she knew that
Though there was no better good
Than reformed evil
There was nothing more evil
Than disgraced goodness.

Last night she came to your bedside
To take away and destroy
All that you held holy and dear
She sat beside you,
Smoothed her fingers through your hair
As you slept on
Unaware as an infant to
The tempest you’d raised in her
Sat there, and remembered she did
Every stubborn pout, each negation
And all the struggle
You waged against her and her ways.

At a point in time she bend down
And kissed your mouth, half open in sleep
The only thing you’d willingly give her
In your unconscious slumber.
A lingering look, and she tiptoed
Out of your space and out of your life.

Yes, she walked awat the moment she accepted
It was the unadulterated gold she lusted for
Accepted, it was the child in you she loved
Accepted that she stood to lose more
In making a man of you
She walked away.

And though I hoped, dreamed
And laugh at the irony if you may
I prayed.
To wake up beside you, in the morning
Held in the grasping, desperate clutches
Of a man who had discovered Passion
Illicit and insatiable
Know that, i settled instead
For a few distant, periodic looks
At the smug, secure happiness
Of untarnished, though slightly arrogant innocence

So the next time you hear of the Devil
Do give her some due
After all,I did decide to spare you.

Conference - I wanted to share my joy

For the last seven months, I have worked towards organizing an International Conference. Now I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal to many, but it was by far the biggest challenge I have faced in my professional life that’s all of five years.
Never realized how much planning goes behind such an even and even when I did realize it, I didn’t have a clue where to begin.
This is where my boss comes in. Though I fibbed through my interview I think that kind man saw through it all, and hired me thinking she’ll be cheerful and nice to have around a host of other stodgy people who will actually handle the conference.
Though I thought myself to be an independent sort of a person, after 2 weeks into this job I realized that I was following a pattern. I did what I was told to do, no more no less. I was good at following requests (nobody gets away with trying to order me), but there was no initiative from my side. I wouldn’t sit and think about the possible problems one could face, and have backup plans ready. Coz you see, other experts had been called in, and they promised in usual Indian style “Tussi Fikar Na Karo Ji, just leave everything to us”. Being a product of this country should have taught me a thing or two about the above mentioned statement, in utter desperation, I chose to take it at face value. This conference was voluntary work for them, so it wasn’t their main priority, and slowly it became very clear that the entire responsibility for the conference is gonna rest on our shoulders, My Boss and Mine.
He told me to take initiative, and since I follow what’s expected of me, I did. My boss, Dan, is the best person anyone could work for. He used to express appreciation at every little effort from my side. If I made a decision that was not probably the right one to make, he would stand by me and tell others who’d breeze in once in two months, to live with it, as they were not present to help me out when there was time. And if my workload is too much, like I needed to make reports, send 75 emails, and personally type out and print 125 copies of a letter and put it in envelopes, he would be sitting on the ground with me and writing down the addresses, and stapling the envelope shut.
Suffice to say, he made me make decisions, take responsibility and if and only if I stumbled would he come forward and help out. After spending 4 years of my career doing what sixty other people were doing along with me, the fact that in this job everything rested on me, that I was the only one doing the job that I did, arranging for visa, housing, airfare, invites, for 200 people, most of them from 8 different South Asian countries, and from America, and arranging everything from conference venue to menu, transport, audio visual equipment, changed quite a few of my fundamental perspectives about life. I learned how to haggle, bargain, stand my ground, I learned a lot.

Seven months passed by in a haze, and suddenly the conference was on us. I was staying on at India Habitat for a week to be at hand at any time there was a problem. The magnitude of what I had achieved by putting this conference together was realized on the first day of the conference, when around 160 people, renowned academics, senior journalists, people who were well known in their countries for their position in the government, all of them, gave me an ovation and the designated leader of from each country gave me a vote of thanks. I missed it of course, I was outside working out another query. But one Pakistani gentleman took me by hand to the conference room and introduced me to everyone, who previously thought that I was a boy, or a middle aged woman. Most of them came up to me and told me that they certainly hadn’t imagined me to be a tiny bint of a girl, and that were amazed that I had carried of this success. I have never been happier in my professional adult life. And all this was thanks to this one Prof Dan Berman, who taught me the importance of trusting myself.

Growing Up

Keep wondering how people who come closer than one expects, and then all of a sudden just drop out of one’s life.
Always seemed pretty strange to me, more so because I don’t make friends easily. I have one best friend (at a time, that lasts for abt 8-9 years), 4-5 good friends, and a few friends that are just one step further from being an acquaintance. When I was younger, I would get totally involved in a friendship till the first fight happened. Then I’d break off, completely. As I grew older, I kinda slid of my high horse and became slightly more tolerant. I made the best friend of my life then, and we survived not one, but several bad fights, shared our dreams, and with childish optimism, believed that we’ll always be together. Well, we are a few continents apart now, and it doesn’t matter. Even though all is not rosy in our friendship, the love, as complicated and convoluted as it might be, its still there. But now things are different, friendships happen and break off, for no apparent reason. No justifications are given or expected. Things just slide into a state of non-communication. Just like that.
I’m still young enough to care and try once or twice depending upon the depth of the relationship, to revive it. Ask questions, try to sort out problems, then give up. And one of the biggest fears I face right now is that one day I might just stop caring.
What has change? Is it me? Is it the kind of friends I make? Or is this the way everybody is? Grown up and all.
Strange! When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up because the most common answer to all my questions were ‘You’ll understand when you grow up’. Wellll...I don’t think so.

Adam & Eve – I’m a big big girl, in a big big world

Bubbles (read Bestest Friend) called from the States recently. I always love talking to her, she is the sunshine of my life….but strangely this time I kinda burned. Reason being Bubbles went into an elucidation of her rocking love life, which I could really, truly do without. She’s dating this gora, and apparently the sex is so hot the she broke his bed during one session. Of course he got up thumping his chest the next day, feeling all man and all, and promptly spread the word. BOYSSS!!!!!

Well now for revenge Bubbles started calling Gora an extremely unsavory hindi gaali that starts with C$#@*!. Told Gora it means sweetheart in Hindi. Well, here I was genuinely worried about what would happen if he found out the true meaning of that word. Seems he just wanted to live up to it. He arrived at Bubbles house slightly drunk and punished her by f***ing her all night!!!
In the case of state vs bubbles, bubbles is found guilty and is awarded 3 O’s!!

Dear God ji, where is the justice in all of this.
If this is the rate at which things are gonna proceed,
by the time I get up there,
I’ll be the one doing the accounting!

My aura must been the murkiest, dirtiest, darkest shade of green at that point of time….Bubbles had the guts to complain about missing classes the next day. Yeah Right …Pooor Baby!!
And there I was once again, on a date with a very beautiful man, whose overriding feeling for me is one of guilt. Yup, guilt! Coz I am 7 years younger to him and he really feels every second of that difference.
Here’s the sequence:
Sitting in the car, listening to Aziz Mian( believe it or not). I am zoned out..no, not doped..but in sort of a lala land..aziz mian has that effect on me. Boyfriend singing along with him. I want to kill him,softly…but first….
He: "You’re such a sweet little kid"
Me: No response…dreaming you see…what is that drug known as the date rape drug!...whatever it is..i see myself putting that in his drink
He: "I wish you were 5 years older.I wish you weren’t so young and innocent"
Me: "Innocent. Yesss"….he’s drinking it..the unsuspecting fool…didn’t his momma teach him to make his own drinks…..Triumphant Smile
He: "What ..what are you thinking about?"
Me: "Nothing in particular!!"....If only you knew….he’s getting a glazed look in his eyes now..he slip my hands through his..you’ve been working so hard darling…wanna just rest your eyes for a while? ..me all false concern
He: "Sweety..what are you smiling about?"..humming to Aziz Mian
Me: "Mian Khuda ko pyaare ho gaye…if he was alive..i would have killed him by slow torture. I would have taped his own songs and made him listen to it day and night!"
He: Laughs…."There is no one else like Aziz Mian"
Me: "Let’s kneel down and say a prayer of thanks to that!!"...oh…back the the dream…he’s on the bed…exactly where I have wanted him…he’s sleeping now…and I ….oh god am busy taking of his clothes. There goes that white shirt…should be put through a rough wash for looking so sinful on him..and there..off with his Levi’s...hehe
Oops I just giggled out loud!!
He: "What? God alone knows what goes on in your mind!!"
Me: "hhuuhh…yeah..even I can’t keep track of what I’m thinking man!!"
Hhmmmm….pretending to hum to mian…"How did Aziz Mian die? Was it a violent death?"(wistfully)
He: "hehe..tum bhi na!!"
Me: "hhhmm!!"...so where were we..yeah..clothes off..then..ofcourse..he’s a foot taller than me and weighs slightly more than twice my size, without exaggeration..so we don’t want him resisting do we ;-)…hence its just a necessary requirement that causes me to tie him up…OMG..OMG…OMG!!
He: Chalo..we’ve reached!!
Me: *looking zonked*..huh…I haven’t ..i didn’t..wait...
He: "Chalo beta!!! What ..why’re you looking like that..u feeling hot!!there’s AC inside!!"
Me: "Yeah ..i’m just coming(hell ya)"..

Walk out of the car..into our friends house…friend’s husband comes out to greet us.I make polite sounds..still desperately trying to recapture that dream..three kids greet me inside….the youngest one greets me with his version of my name..i love him. The older two ..quite old..like 12 and 10 years and all, smile as I walk in. They are saying something to some aunty....i have a dazed smile on my face..still desperately holding on to the scene in my mind u see… i look behind me ..there is no one there..i come out of my dreamworld..slowly and painfully..two grown up kids were calling me aunty. I lost the scene. It died a silent death. Looked accusingly at BF. Looked back at those two stupid kids…a bright fake smile pasted on my face….. “Hello beta, how are you, padhai kaise chal rahi hai (I hope u fail this year)..achcha.. khelne ja rahe ho?jaoo..enjoy yourselves!" (I hope someone breaks your stupid cycle).

God Ji,
Ni mei kaiya..God Ji..do remember the account book!!
Yours Sincerely

I Discovered that....

Men, like their best friends in the animal kingdom, will chase anything that doesn't chase them back.

Birthday Blues -or Not!!

Celebrated my 24th birthday on the 3rd of October. I don't know why i was assailed with this feeling days before the 3rd that my friends are gonna forget my b'day. There was no reason to think that but what the hell i never denied being weird.
Daddy, Mommy and my Sis woke me at 12am with lots of hugs and kisses, and then tucked me in . God bless my family. I am still their baby girl..even to my sis who is just 2 yrs my senior.
Weird thing is till 11:30 in the morning my worst nightmare seemed to be coming true. I was one year closer to death and nobody seemed to be caring enough.
Then my best friend call..before i could end that call, the man-of-the-moment-in-my-life called. Then one by one all of my friends called. Since my boss was out of town i had ample time to attend these calls.Ya i was working...i know!!
But the year certainly started of well! Will give details later!

My Favorite Quotes

When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.
-- Penny Ward Moser

Relationships don't last anymore. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? (Rita Rudner)

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
(Buddy Hackett)

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
(Paul Dean)

A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.
(Lisa Kirk)

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
(Groucho Marx)

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. (Aristotle Onassis)

They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
-- Eddie Izzard

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Just a thought..i look pretty in most of the mirrors
but my own...
Wonder if the fault is in the mirror
the lighting...or...
in the eyes of the beholder

In Search of God

Tis possible to find God i gather
If it is possible to find that line, so fine,
That last drop of water
Where the river retains its sweet identity
Before giving in to the sea

Adam & Eve – Part 2- Oh Why Oh Why Oh Why

Having been subjected to convent school education for 14 years of my life I had ample time to observe, assimilate, act out and experience many forms of female ploys used to manipulate situations to their benefits. I am not trying to be rude to my sex, but my precious childhood and adolescence were not the happiest times of my life till date.

As mentioned before in an introduction about myself, I always felt better observing all the high drama from an emotionally safe distance, rather than – God Forbid- getting involved in any.
Men think they don’t understand women...Hell we don’t understand that much about ourselves either. One never knows how one of my kind is going to react. Never. Lets say it out loud .NEVER!

Back then I was considered to be a part of the intelligent crème – (just a perception mind you, could be false) - though i was a tad bit more dreamy than was fashionable. Not that I ever ranked first in my class, or even the second or third. Study-wise I was always an average student. So why was I considered intelligent. Here’s why:

1)Didn’t talk much until I was spoken to
2)Stared intently at whoever was conversing ..letting them be aware that someone was actually listening to them
3)Copied Redford and practiced the art of projecting calmness
4)Could write a poem on every girl in class
5)Knew Astrology ( supposedly)
6)Read a lot of books, legend goes that Michael had read the Kamasutra, by age 15! WOW!
7)And last but not the least, was the only girl in class who didn’t have a boyfriend – ergo could give a impartial, clear third party view on their situations -the perfect advisor, read spinsterish agony aunt.

Lets for the time being consider the previous seven points as Some Myths about Michael. Here are the Facts:

1)I could talk a bark off a tree when and only when the subject appealed to me. Thankfully there weren’t many. But most of the time I shut up coz I didn’t know what some people were on about (Hehe just remembered Joey’s expression from one of the seasons of Friends..hell he wore that look many times in all of the seasons)
2)No body could believe that I had perfected the art of sleeping with my eyes open, while standing and nodding my head and muttering the right words when required. This fine art came in use when girls would take to their minds that I love hearing repeats and re-repeats of the virtues of their boyfriends. Some would have you believe they were dating Gods! Sweet Zeus!
3)Projecting supposed calmness….well one can’t project real emotions (read rage, and irritation) when one happens to be thinner and shorter than most of the girls in the class. I never claimed to be brave!
4)Well that is there, but I could write 25 different paragraphs on the same subject. Content being the same but just that the sentences were readjusted and well things always sound different when its being said about you…moreover..some women just didn’t know when they were being insulted.
5)Read about it – Astrology, i.e., - knew zilch and often told people just the things they wanted to hear.
6)Books were to me what spikes are to porcupines and farts are to foxes – The ultimate defense mechanisms
7)Didn’t have a boyfriend, well there were many reasons for that. First was that I thought boys are pretentious. They had to be pretending, coz nobody could actually be that dumb. Then at some point I saw through some of that dumb façade and by the time I was 16 my guts walked out on me.

Silent and quite and intellectual – my foot!! both my feet and my head rather – I passed through my adolescence with that pretense, coz letting people talk more and telling them exactly what they wanted to hear was better than being called clueless.

Things that were done with a preceding comment like “This is the way men like it” “This is the way they value you” were to me quite astounding.
For instance, after seeing a movie one evening a girlfriend and I came out of the hall and me being me, started looking around for an auto that would ferry us back home. After a while I felt my friend tap me on the shoulder saying “Paagal hai kya (are u out of your mind), to spend your money on Auto, I have called my boyfriend, he can make himself useful by driving us back home”. While I stood there betting all of my meager property that he wouldn’t come, and subjecting a firm lecture of gross human rights violation to my -by now -very bemused friend – He came there. He came to pick us up…with a silly grin on his face as if he was there to collect some shipment of gold. And they say they can’t understand women..damned if I understood what in the name of Hephaestus he was about!!

But she might have had a point there you know..coz she has never been kept waiting more than once..all the guys truly believed that upsetting her ‘ Once Was Enough’!..kyonki woh ghaas nahi deti while I have been kept waiting more often than most times..coz I give away a lot of grass I believe!..hhhmmm

Girls would go around with boys they couldn’t stand so that other girls don’t think less of them. Guys would do the same, just that they made sure that the girl was sought after by a host of other boys.

What all this boils down to probably is just the overwhelming need for acceptance - for both the sexes. They just want to be accepted as one of the crowd. The sense of standing out was as terrifying as the knowledge of being Jew in Germany during the Nazi regime.

Good news is that, with time and experience, Individuality does kick in - for some, and let us kneel and say a prayer of thanks to that!
Though it’s not always good news coz some of the time..most of the time rather… the individualistic, independent type, who keep a mind of their own, turn gay on you, while most of the straight crowd just grows taller.

Where is the justice in all of this I wonder!!!

Adam & Eve -Part 1- Father Figure

I have very fond memories of my father taking me to school or rather the bus stop. He continued doing that till i was 14yrs old. After that for a long time he would just stand at the apartment gate and watch us walk towards the bus stand and leave once he knew we had reached there safely enough. Trying desperately not to step on our (my sister's and my) independent toes, but making sure we were protected and safe. He was and still is my hero. But as a tiny tot my dad was beyond a hero, he was God to me. He could do no wrong and loved us unconditionally. He still remains the only man i can kill and get killed for.

I always wanted a man like him when i was young..well right now it seems as if i got my wish, only now i don't know whether i asked for the right thing. I didn't want a substitute father in my lover.
Usually i believe the comment goes like " i like him but i don't love him"...in my case going against the flow as is usual, I’d say " i love the man i am with right now, but i don't necessarily like him all that much" to elucidate further on that i'd say that in a situation if his life can be saved only by sacrificing mine, i'd do that happily.

Suffice to say I can die for him, living with him though seems slightly tougher as a prospect.

Remember I told you about how my dad used to leave me to school, fast-forward to the present, my man picks me up from my apartment and leaves me to office everyday. Every time he does that, I get a distinct sense of déjà vu.
That Man is everything I hoped for as a caring partner, takes me to office, earlier on when we used to go out to our friends place, he’d make sure I was fed well, had company, would be by my side if I get lonely, carry me when my feet were aching – teasing me -(in that oh so sexy voice of his)- for wearing impossibly high heels while doing that, and cook for me. He’s a dream come true for all womankind. One would wonder what more does this girl want – a Taj Mahal built in her name?.

Don’t get me wrong, I have never wanted a guy to call me up 10 times a day with declarations of ‘I Love Yous’ or a 100 red roses at my doorstep or anything that dramatic. My only regret is that this man does all the unbelievably sweet things he does with a sense of responsibility towards a young ward. Never have I seen him look at me in the manner a man looks at a woman . Every look, touch, and action is distinctly paternal or worse fraternal, and I don’t know what to do about it. It almost seems that in his mind he has never thought of me as a woman. I’m a little girl. In his words ‘nice, pretty and cute’. Somebody please shoot him.

Its right when they say..be careful what you wish for…u just might get it!

The Horse Whisperer

Aaaarrrggghh!!! i just wrote this long long piece on Robert Redford and my internet gave up on me. Jesus i can't believe i lost all that. Anyway..i'm determined to get that piece of work on my blog today ..so here we go again!!
Had a convo yesterday with another blogger - Codey. Started out about men and their horses...from where my ever fickle imagination flipped through the images stored in my subconsious mind regarding that magnificent animal... all the paintings of St.George/Prithvi Raj Chauhan/ Jhansi ki Rani on their favorite steeds ..flip to the photographs of Marwari horses on my ex- trainer's workstation. They moonwalk by the way - Marwari horses..and they are the only kind that can do that..and the tips of their ears touch...beautiful, arrogant beasts...alrite...from there my mind hopped on to moving images, motion picture as we know it. The only film that came to mind The Horse Whisperer...yeah wonder why not Seabiscuit or Black Beauty. Just that the image of this horse running through the winter meadows with the pre-dawnish moonlight falling on its graceful shape...WOW....from there with some help from that dear blogger..it hopped, leaped and jumped- very enthusiastically i mite add- to Robert Redford...and then it kinda just settled on him...on him..on him..god that sounds good.
SO now that it settled on whom i consider to be one of the most beautiful men on earth..beautiful as in a piece of art, that blog convo reminded me of one of his biggest assets as a director. i'll quote myself here " he's got a way of using utter silence ad stillness as sort of a backdrop and the smallest movement or sound just thrills the helll out of the viewer"..thats the reason he gets to me like no one else. As Codey the other redford fanatic says "Grace, charm, sensitivity, can't stop going on and on about the man, his flesh is literally dropping off his jaw bone, but there are not many men alive on earth who can still compare with him" True....the last dance which is my favorite scene as well, reminded me a lot of 'The Bridges of Madison County'..i'll write another book on that someday..somehow i feel Redford would have made a better Robert Kincaid than Clint Eastwood. Just to take that dinner scene from the Horse Whisperer, where he's playing around with the woman's dress..can't remember whether he was trying to undo it or do it up...i tranced out for those couple of seconds.
Redford though will be remembered by me not so much as a gifted artist but an unforgettable man..no body can fake the body language he has..not even he himself. The kind of stillness that surrounds him seems like a calm facade. Calm and comfort that is to be given away..but not to be found in himself..he seems to be forever searching for something....arousing a supplement emotion of acceptance and hope, in every person he meets or is seen by, that probably he'll find that something in them, probably then, they'll find themselves - in him.Sigh!!

I am a Samurai

You are full of honour and value respect. You are not really the stereotypical hero, but you do fight for good. Just in your own way. For you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil person, if it is for justice and peace. You also don't belive in mourning all the time and think that once you've hit a bad stage in life you just have to get up again. It's pointless to concentrate on emotional pain and better to just get on with everything. You also are a down to earth type of person and think before you act. Impulsive people may annoy you somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile


Check out this cool site and find out what kind of a killer are you:

http://quizilla.com/users/PainfulBliss/quizzes/What%20Type%20of%20Killer%20Are%20You%3F%20%5Bcool%20pictures%5D/

Death By Chocolate

Rothe hue ..aate hai sab hasta hua jo jaaye.... If i could choose ...this is the way i would like to go

Dangerous

- our reliance on tomorrow

Joy & Contentment

Joy - Moist air teasing the skin of a lotus leaf Contentment - A water puddle in the hollow of that leaf

Pathos ruled my August Mistress

Pathos ruled my August Mistress
And I could but stand by and watch
Watch her fight with contentment
Watch her war with normalcy
And could do nothing to help
Coz I was part of what was normal too
Something she had as a life
Something she didn’t desire

For she longed to be a tormented sea
Against the calm lazy lake that
Didn’t know her own depth
She longed to be the foolish moth
To shimmer out to a dramatic death
Even to an unworthy cause

Her greatest fear, was her reality
Where, going against the flow
She dreamed and longed not for peace
But pain, to an extent that was not quite sane
It took me a long while to understand
The anguish she longed for, she quixotically thought
Would make her feel, the real emotions
Of love, pleasure, rage, and the lot

And as she fell into another night of restless sleep
I prayed a silent prayer of hope
That she didn’t get what she asks for
For the man with whom she was lying
Had seen the beauty of silver flashes across the angry sky
Had felt the numbing pain of being touched by the same
Had stood at a shore and yelled ecstatically at the oncoming tornado
Had been caught in that breathless circle of non-life too
I prayed that she didn’t get what she asked for
I prayed too, for the death of her soul
To be of restlessness rather than the nothingness
That engulfs when feeling breaks the bonds of one’s universe

Alone and Loving it!!

Alone in a closed room
with just a hint of sunbeam pouring thru
and the shadows flit around the room
playing with you

Profound Thoughts

Had a very interesting, seemingly nonsensical conversation with a friend recently. Like a perfectly normal, Italian dinner table conversation everybody involved was talking to everyone on what was on their mind. It didn't matter that the profound questions asked were getting equally profound but unrelated answers. In such a situation, my friend was talking to me about the kind of car he wanted to buy and I was talking about importance of individuality and identity....yeah i know..totally unrelated..but that's the way it usually is. While going on about my thoughts on the subject of individuality, and standing out in the crowd and all that jazz....my friend replied... " Sticking out in the crowd and all is fine girl, but when you buy a car it would be better if you buy the one everyone else has....its easier to get spares" Did that make sense to anyone else but me???